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Why me?
Why do I have to like HIM? This guy with the body of a god and the bluest eyes and wavy, blonde hair. This guy who is a lead singer and who dirtbikes. This perfect being who waves to me in the hall and feels sorry if hes forgotten my birthday and makes it up by hugging me. Why do I need to get a crush on this guy who has an adorable laugh and such wit. He says the right things and acts so adorably childish when hes having fun that you cant not smile back at him. Why do I have to like a guy who has a girlfriend. A girl prettier than I?

I need to be more perfect.

Ok, not great much?

I fucked up...horribly.

I ate a family meal. FAMILY MEAL. me and my brothers ate steak, mashed potatoes, and greenbeans. Then seconds GROSS. And I cant even purge, because my voice problem.

But today I am starting the MK challenge with my friend 'L'. I hope I can make this, or win. I dunno. I just want to be thin.

I mean, if I was thin I wouldnt be doing this to myself. Right? Right. I just want to be happy. And for people to see me not as the fat girl with the ugly clothes and quiet demeanor. I want to be the perfect girl with the keen fashion sense and cheerful attitude. ah, that would be the day.


I'm so tired of this.
I am stressed out and sad and angry all the time. Dad said I can go to Idaho with my sister or go with my Aunt Rosa for a vacation. I chose my sister. Beto is so awesome. I admire her because she is social and shes pretty. I wish I was like that but I know I can just try to be a little better than myself.

Beto is having her son, Dominic, in I think a week.

Great Goddess, hear my prayer
I lover my sister and wish her safety
please protect her
in her pregnancy.

I hope I can be at least 140 by June. In two months I need to lose 30-40 pounds. Ugh, I need to try harder. I will exercise today after school, after I eat my dinner (crackers) and drink water. Then I will go to sleep so I won't be tempted by food.


First Post

Ah my plan starts today. My sister has always been prettier than me, better than me, more social. I hope I can lose weight by the time I go to Idaho in June.

Please, Great Goddess, protect me
let me see through obstacles
and help me succeed.



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March 2009


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